Fuck

Fuck. I just binged. Fuck’s sake. I feel really really pissed off, so angry I want to cry. I want to binge again to stop these feelings, even though I know they’ll be so much worse after.

I don’t completely know why it happened. I guess I’m pretty wiped out (I’m due on tomorrow), which always makes me a bit more vulnerable. My mindset has been so much better recently which has helped me to resist the urges, but today I went back to my old ways of thinking about how amazing the tastes and sensations would be, rather than the horrible after-effects. I think I binged partly because I wanted to check that it was still there for me if I needed it, because this new mindset is totally brilliant but quite scary. I’m worried that I won’t be able to take the final step to stop the binging once and for all. I don’t want the rug to be pulled from underneath my feet.

Oh fuck, I desperately want to rewind so I can make a different choice. When I was doing it, it was strange, I felt completely detached from myself, like it wasn’t really happening. I wish. Oh god what have I done. My mind already feels fucked from it. I’ve been doing so well recently. Only in the last couple of days have I begun to look in the mirror and see my old body coming back, after all these months. I feel like I’ve fucked it up. My bra hurts. I need the day to be over now.